Not a Normal Relationship
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE WITH A NARCOPATH
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
This cycle may take weeks, months or years, but it will be evident as a pattern in the narcopath’s true life story(not the one he/she tells you!)
RECONCILIATION/ HONEYMOON PHASE
He apologises for not being able to cope with her issues, denies the abuse ever happened, or says it wasn’t as bad as she claims, or subtly blames her for provoking the abuse, plays the victim.
She feels compassion and sympathy for him, and allows herself to be vulnerable again.
She absorbs the blame, feels remorseful and guilty, apologises, forgives him, and makes atonement efforts.
He appears to accept the apology, but actually ‘warehouses’ the incident to be used against her later.
He promises it will never happen again.
He love-bombs her again.
She reciprocates with increased nurturing, loving, care-taking behaviour.
HOLDING PATTERN PHASE
He appears to keep a few promises made during the reconciliation.
He reverts to charming, apparently loving partner, especially in public or with an audience.
He acts like the abuse never happened.
She hopes the matter is resolved and their bond has grown stronger via managing conflict well. She trusts him again.
TENSION BUILDING PHASE
He starts seething with passive aggression, getting irritated or angry.
He belittles, demeans, accuses her in minor ways.
Silent treatment: he refuses to communicate.
She feels like she is walking on egg-shells to avoid conflict.
He disappears for days on end without communication (ghosting), stays out all night, lies about his whereabouts.
His Jekyll/Hyde intermittent reinforcement starts again – behaves one way in public and another in private, says one thing and does another.
Humiliates/embarrasses/invalidates her in public.
His friends or family embarrass/humiliate/invalidate her in public (he’s actively gossiping and slandering her behind her back again)
She makes herself more and more available to him, jumps through more and more hoops, and exhausts herself trying to keep track of the shifting goalposts.
ABUSE PHASE
(HIDDEN NARCOPATHIC ABUSE - THE KIND THAT CONVINCES WOMEN WHAT THEY HAVE EXPERIENCED ISN'T ACTUALLY ABUSE)
EMOTIONAL
Goading: testing her patience, provoking, pushing her buttons to get a defensive response, then accusing her of being abusive when she reacts.
Accusing her of being jealous, paranoid, unfaithful, mentally unstable. Blaming her for everything unsatisfactory in their lives. Taking credit for everything positive.
PSYCHOLOGICAL
Gaslighting (denying what happened actually happened, denying what she knows he said or did; moving or tampering with household objects, hiding things, changing passwords or posting online whilst pretending to be her or someone else);
Triangulation (playing people off against each other with gossip and slander)
SEXUAL
Infidelity; withholding; extreme porn, failure to notify of sexually transmittable diseases.
FINANCIAL
Stealing, running up debts, gambling,
Spending jointly accumulated funds without consultation or lying about where the money came from.
Borrowing and never repaying the debt.
PHYSICAL
‘Accidentally’ kicking, punching or hitting ‘while asleep or drunk’, damaging property, pets or children.
Coercive substance abuse.
SOCIAL
Convincing, encouraging or coercing her to dump jobs, friends, clients, support networks, leave her home and family. (Isolates her so he can control her)
Misrepresenting her behind her back as abusive, violent, drug addicted, financially irresponsible, deceptive, dishonest, crazy, etc
POST-RELATIONSHIP (AN OVERLOOKED PHENOMENON)
After he discards her, the abuse worsens, with smear campaigns, lying under oath, hiding assets, dragging out the legal process. He aims to punish her in whatever way possible, whilst keeping his own hands clean.
